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Today's jokes [6.26.08]

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How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

    I don't know. I havn't find one that could do it yet. 

1. 




Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and 
found the boss waiting for him.  "What's the story this time, Jones?" he 
asked sarcastically.  "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.  The wife decided 
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the 
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river 
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. 
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was 
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously 
disappointed.  "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

2. 




A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
 doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an
 advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like
 heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
 He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
 loss program.
 The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
 there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
 dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
 neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
 company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
 without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
 A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
 his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last
 time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
 does business.
 For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
 happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
 enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat
 more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
 calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
 loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
 like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
 be like this time.
 As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
 answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
 a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
 stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces
 herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
 reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
 shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
 her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is
 wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
 the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
 and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the
 sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
 losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
 Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
 subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
 you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
 rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
 felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his
 door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
 and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative
 of the weight loss company.
 The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

3. 




Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a women's job


4. 




The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,
she will describe an object and the students will tell her
what she had described.

Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem." 
Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple." 
Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." 
"OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."
Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange." 
Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." 
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher?" 
Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!" 
Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a
second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it." 
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!" 
Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!" 

5. 



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