Today's jokes [5.8.08] Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal? Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole.
How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off? When you find a string in your bloody mary.
NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase New Phrase 1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible 2. Your fucking joking Really 3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................ 4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project 5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late 6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem 7. Eat shit and die You don't say 8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir 9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you 10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive 11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe 12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training 13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today 14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you? 15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go 16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you 17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day 18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more 19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour 20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to you
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