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Today's jokes [5.8.08]

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What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?

Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...


If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters
that take a licking and keep on toasting.


One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important
and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything!  You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.  After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an a - - hole.


How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?

When you find a string in your bloody mary.



It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been
using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to
complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With
this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of
code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in
an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive

Old Phrase                              New Phrase
1.  No fucking way                    I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2.  Your fucking joking               Really
3.  Tell someone who gives a fuck     Have you run that by................
4.  No cunt told me                   I was not involved in that project
5.  I don't have the fucking time     Perhaps I can work late
6.  Who fucking cares                 Are you sure that is the problem
7.  Eat shit and die                  You don't say
8.  Eat shit and die motherfucker     You don't say, Sir
9.  Kiss my arse                      So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick              He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit           I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue    You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked              We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you       You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head                Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker           You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you                      I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks                  We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt                I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off                          I'll look into that and get back to you


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