Today's jokes [5.28.08]

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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used
alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my
penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Did you hear about Tempura House?
It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
   falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
   and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
   the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
   Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
   then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
   drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
   A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
   again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
   the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
   think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
   the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
   the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
   The moral of the story:
   If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
   chicks.

   The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
   to be direct about
   it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and
   said,"Hey, honey,
   whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
   She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
   

Once some boys got together to play poker one 
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had 
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one 
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, 
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim 
had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news 
to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be 
diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his 
wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: 
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!' 
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to 
just drop dead!' 
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

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