Today's jokes [5.24.08]

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Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So
they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they
end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the
elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what
is that long thing?" 
His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." 
"No, at the other end."
"That, son is the tail." 
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." 
A short embarrassed silence after which she replies,
"That's nothing." 
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being
satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?" 
"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
"No at the other end." 
"Oh, that is the tail." 
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. 
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" 
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. 
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..." 

The company sergent is briefing the recruits:

"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you..."

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear
walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running
shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear
slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first,
confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't
going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said
the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

Noah And Today's Ark


The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street 
corner for 15 cents a glass.  He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the 
ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest 
and get stomach aches.  His eventual response:

   "Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give
you two dollars.  Everybody wins."

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