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Today's jokes [5.14.08]

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What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?

A retarded ape.


What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.


Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his 
first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my 
old truck in the corral," Joe began. 
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. 
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. 
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. 
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. 
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained. 
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. 
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said. 
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. 
"Pew," Charlie retorted. 
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down 
beside her."


   A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
   proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in
   spite of her objections.
   One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
   home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
   shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
   His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back,
   "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die". 

  1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
    him off to work in a good mood.

  2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
    put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
    to work.

  3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
    burden him with household chores.

  4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
    his every whim. 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied. 


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