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Today's jokes [5.11.08]

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"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."

1. 




   A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so
   they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source
   of income.
   
   The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he
   would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
   problems.
   
   A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all
   the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to
   ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She
   went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too
   much!"
   
   He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a
   minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
   
   The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the
   client.
   
   He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants
   and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that
   the man was really well hung.
   
   She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner
   again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
   
   The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
   


2. 




   
   A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
   His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying
   in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
   His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
   He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
   She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
   He yells at her, "What was that?"
   She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
   Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
   minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
   The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
   He replied, "Half time, switch sides."


3. 




During an Army war game, a commanding officer's
jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men
lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck. 

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way." 

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."


4. 




Did you know Sex is a crime?

Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..

5. 



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