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Today's jokes [5.1.08]

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                               Men vs. Women
 Men and women are not alike.

 Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conculsive
 proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
 topics, these facts have emerged:


 First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
 it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
 girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then
 she will get on with her life.

 A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the breakup
 - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
 you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
 I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's
 always a chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
 drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There
 are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
 need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.


 Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
 Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her
 place as part of the foreplay.


 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
 function as adults.

 Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
 other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely
 work out.


 Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.


 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just

 Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
 circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
 and "g's."  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when
 she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.


 A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
 shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

 The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
 would not be able to identify most of these items.


 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

 Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because
 the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
 and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.


 When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

 When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
 to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
 her makeup...


 Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
 the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time
 she wants.

 A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
 Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."


 Women love cats.
 Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


 Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

 Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
 surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...


 Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

 Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
 they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.


 For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
 Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

 For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
 in "Public Enemy."


 Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

 A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than
 that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
 emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree
 of the changes varies with the individual.

 Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.  He buys aviator glasses,
 a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
 expensive foreign sports car.


 Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
 and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

 The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

 The man doubles over and actually feels pain.


 Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

 The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.


 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

 Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
 works out at the health club and dates only married women.


 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This
 is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

 The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
 This is another reason why men hate him.


 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

 Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.


 In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
 women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
 well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

 Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.  Not in abstract
 terms, either.  They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.


 Women do laundry every couple of days.

 A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
 surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
 his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
 sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
 the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.


 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

 Men talk about "the bachelor party."


 Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.

 Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have
 pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.


 A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
 The man will water the plants.
 The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
 No one knows why this happens.


 Some men look good with mustaches:  Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

 There are no women who look good with mustaches.


 With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
 like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
 will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

 But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.


    A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit
   hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
   rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and
   was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
   pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
   become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The
   driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
   highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
   She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
   terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
   it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She
   went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
   the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
   rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw
   at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
   stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
   yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was
   astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
   woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in
   your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned
   the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair
   spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


What's a man's idea of foreplay? 

     -A half-hour of begging. 


What is the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head?

Depth perception.


An academic problem

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, 
and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk 
toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the 
girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite 
amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close 
enough for all practical purposes."


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