Today's jokes [4.5.08]

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   A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG
   !
   He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
   thinks. Then he hears the
   voice again: I SAID, DIG !
   So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
   inches, he finds a small
   chest with a rusty lock.
   The deep voice says: OPEN !
   Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
   to destroy the lock,
   and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
   The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
   Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
   and walks to the
   casino.
   The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
   So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
   goes to one of the tables,
   where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
   The deep voice says: 27 !
   He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
   bursts. Everybody is quiet
   when the croupier throws the ball.
   The ball stops at the 26.
   The deep voice says: SHIT !
   

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come 
from?" Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time 
she replies, "From the stork of course!" The little guy thinks for a few
seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?" 

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair.  The 
first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, 
because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not 
even down there." 

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband.  He says, "I've 
never seen anything like that.  Please tomorrow, ask her to go
into the bedroom and show you.  I want to hide in the closet so 
I can have a look."  

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go 
into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it.  Can I 
see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.  That 
night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're  
satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl 
asked to see mine." 

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had 
the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me." 

   A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
   while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up
   on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
   swallows it whole.
   
   The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
   monkey just did?"
   
   "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
   
   "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
   the bartender.
   
   "Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me
   nuts" says the patron.
   
   The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
   
   Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and
   the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
   drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs
   one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The
   bartender is disgusted.
   
   "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
   
   "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass,
   then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
   
   "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate
   that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
   

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