Today's jokes [4.26.08]

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Conversation over dinner:

 WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
 MAN:   Definitely not!
 WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
 MAN:   Of course I do.
 WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
 MAN:   Okay, I'd get married again.
 WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
 MAN:   (makes audible groan)
 WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
 MAN:   Where else would we sleep?
 WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
        pictures of her?
 MAN:   That would seem like the proper thing to do.
 WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
 MAN:   She can't use them; she's left-handed.
 WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
 MAN:   Oh Shit.

Age        DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
        17         "Burger King"
        25         "Free meal"
        35         "A diamond"
        48         "A bigger diamond"
        66         "Home Alone"

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help 
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I 
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a 
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," 
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. 
"Twice a day." 

What is the difference between a boy and a girl?

The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO 
DISCOVERER: ADAM 
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE:
Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. 

Common Uses: 

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent. 

Tests: 

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards: 

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come
into contact with each other.

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