Today's jokes [4.24.08]

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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult
you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that
I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and
then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd
like to make a little change..." 

On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy due
to motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find it
locked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to
fight off the nausea.  Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right
and threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was therefore
unaware of what had happened.
When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.
Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" 

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen." 

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got 
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting 
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after 
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the 
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of 
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I 
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"  

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then 
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted 
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily
business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star
of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the
cross wearer and the other was overlooked.
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take
off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.
"Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross
wearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!" 

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