Today's jokes [4.23.08]

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A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.  
"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.
"Oysters," she said.
"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the 
shells?"
"My Gosh," gasped the lady.  "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

What's a accordion good for?

     Learning how to fold a map. 

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment 
and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "You haven't changed a bit" 

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney
and a  farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston,
Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had
 never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
 seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse,
who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my
dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt,
I just  thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words
to say  I've never felt better in my life.

Different sex outcomes

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."

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