Today's jokes [4.19.08]

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This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm  going to get a tetanus shot."

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot
summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big
bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's
chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at
the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens
caught in his chicken wire. 
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid
comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. 
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this
here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch
me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I
can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end
of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a
whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. 
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes
walking down the road carrying a stick. 
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat." 

A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during
confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you 
feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? 

     Spit, swallow and gargle. 

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, 
debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the 
Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and 
Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with 
awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his 
knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy 
Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, 
and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school? 

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