Today's jokes [4.16.08]

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   A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks,
   he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife
   sneered in reply, "Over my dead body !"
   
   He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you haven't changed one
   little bit."

Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed so early!

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a 
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary 
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a 
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the 
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and 
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth 
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he 
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was 
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the 
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead 
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered 
off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than 
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the 
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was 
given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third 
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in 
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three 
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time 
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the 
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to 
the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! 
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this 
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me 
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

   Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
   be confronted by his
   teacher.
   Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
   Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
   Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
   Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you
   know.
   

Life Insurance Agent:
Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you 
wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. 

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