Today's jokes [4.14.08]

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A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in
the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem.  You see, I only have room for
two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi.  "My people wandered in the desert for forty
years.  I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."  With that
he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door.  The farmer opened the door,
and there stood the Rabbi from the barn.  "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn.  There is
a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.  But a few minutes late
the same scene occurs.  There is a knock on the door.  "What's wrong, now?"
the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but
there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred.  I
can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change.  He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn.  Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer's door.  Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

   "Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a
   minute ago, and he
   splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right
   crutch! Then he splashed
   some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy,
   you've witnessed a
   miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his ass Father he's a
   cripple you know!"
   

   Cold Hands

   There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she
   say's "my hands are
   really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them
   between your legs,
   that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The
   next day the girl is
   riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
   cold, so the girl say's,
   "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and
   his hands get
   warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
   The day after that
   he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between
   my legs and warm it
   up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she
   asks, "Mom have you
   ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She
   says I don't know
   what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
   

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach 
notice a mermaid sitting on a rock.  The Englishman 
approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No 
says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a 
while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever 
been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her 
delight.  After onother while the irishman approaces her 
and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?.  she says no. 'Well 
you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a
harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware
of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like
a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."

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