Today's jokes [3.9.08]

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    The Reverend

   Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
   exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
   had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was
   feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon
   as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
   town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
   wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
   Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
   morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
   Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
   exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
   The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
   hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
   of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
   ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
   did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going
   to tell?"

A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."
"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

A Britt in South Africa was enjoying a ride in his European car when an
American zoomed by in a Corvette.

The Britt cursed, while the Corvette disappeared in the distance. The
American chap however saw an Afrikaner struggling uphill on his stripped
peddle bike. Just the bare essentials and a large bell, thats all the poor
guy had.

He stopped and offered the Afrikaner a lift. "No thank you sir here in
South Africa we don't sit in a car with white folks."

"In that case let me towe you up hill."

They agreed and the Corvette slowly pulled the Afrikaner up hill. Just then
the Britt passed him in his white European car B Leland, no less, and stuck
his middle finger in the air and waved menacingly. The American got mad,
forgot he was towing the Afrikaner, and took off like a lightning bolt.

Going down hill they spotted a Police Car and slowed down some. The Trooper
yanked his mike from the holder and shouted. "Look out for a white British
B Leland followed by a Corvette and an Afrikaner behind ringing the bell
trying to pass both. Lock him up."

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked. 
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn?
A. You molest them!.

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