Today's jokes [3.7.08]

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Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his 

buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off 

to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well 

his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him.  He finds

him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The 

first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up 

and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says

"Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

What does an elephant keep up its trunk?

A Yard 'n' half o' snot!

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
 $5,000 and  feels really great about the result. On his way home
 he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
 the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
 think I am?"  "About 35," was the reply.

 "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

 After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
 taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

 "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

 While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
 question.  She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
 going. But when I  was young there was a sure way of telling a
 mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
 I will be able to tell your exact age."

 As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
 her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
 says,  "OK, it's done. You are 47."

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

 The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines,

                       and no Question Seems to be Too Basic



 From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.
 Reprinted without permission
 
AUSTIN, Texas -  The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on.  Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
 
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied.  "Foot pedal?" the technician asked.  "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch."  The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
that helps to control the computer's operations.

[boring stuff deleted] 

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
needing help on complex problems.  But now, with computer sales to homes
exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices.  Partly
because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
charging help-line users.
 
[boring stuff deleted] 

John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
would not work.  She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen.  When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, 'What power switch?'"
 
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users.  So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."

Some people can't figure out the mouse.  Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on.  The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.  Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly.  The customer got no response because the
mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
 
Disk drives are another bugaboo.  Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
old diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
the diskette.  The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."
 
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk.  A letter from the customer
arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at
Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the
customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room.  The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
 
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling.  A Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
 
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
echnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me
couple of friends," the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."
 
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
parts beyond repair.  A Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked.  He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his  
     tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
 
Computers make some people paranoid.  A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says
he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he
was bad and an invalid."  Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
 
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
the role of amateur psychologists.  Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
 
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
happens to be a computer techie.  One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
every time he experiences a life crisis.  He gets a technician to walk
him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
uplifted by the process.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
   "Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

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