Today's jokes [3.3.08]

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Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

Dog: Doin alright.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extremer look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!!

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed
with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of
cigarettes. 
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" 
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the
wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." 
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!" 

   Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
   day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
   said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
   
   Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his
   friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
   
   "Why?" one asked.
   
   Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
   close to being a turd."
   

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked 
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her 
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex 
again -- the strain would be too much. 
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny 
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs 
on the couch to guard against temptation. 
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other 
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. 
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. 
"I was about to commit suicide." 
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming 
upstairs to kill you!" 

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the
local bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His
friend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose
women' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the first
man. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."at the
local bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His
friend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose
women' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the first
man. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."

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