Today's jokes [3.29.08]

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Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes
home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. 
The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where
my husband put his hand last night?" 
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead
of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?

Coincidence on 34th Street.

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens 
to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The 
first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this 
one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, 
"Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous 
Lipshitz curse!"
The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Lipshitz," sighed the lady.

   A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
   could buy him a drink.
   "Why of course," comes the reply.
   The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
   "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
   The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
   have another round to
   Ireland."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
   "Dublin," comes the reply.
   "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
   have another drink to
   Dublin."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
   go to?"
   "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
   "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
   and I graduated in '62,
   too!"
   About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
   "What's been going
   on?" he asks the bartender.
   "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
   again."
   

What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer? 

A fuckin know-it-all!

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