Today's jokes [3.22.08]

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Death row sing along

There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death 
by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards 
were being very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, 
he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something 
special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he 
wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it 
over with." 
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the 
guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I 
would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time 
through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go 
ahead.
The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," 
said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, 
"Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
                 or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
                     culture
                 or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
                     With His Elephants
The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many 

Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to 

three of them.  They called Congress and asked them to vote

on a method of determining each General's early retirement

bonus.  After voting Congress decided that each man would 

choose two points of their body to measure between and then 

each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.



    They called in the first General.  He decide to have

them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his

feet.  Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.



    The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched

his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the

tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet.  After 

measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.



    The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked 

them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of

his balls.  Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.  

The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the

measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where

are your balls!!"  With a smile the General said, "I left 

them in Vietnam."


Sent by Sparky and Wife

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on 
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second 
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't 
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap 
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your 
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral 
van for the last 25 years.

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