Today's jokes [3.18.08]

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In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward
   and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to
   write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the
   President's Women."

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and 
he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning.  He opened the door to 
the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark ,and got in bed 
with his wife.  Then she said ,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store 
and pick me up some Asprin?"  The husband said yes, got dressed in the 
dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.
When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk 
so that the clerk could ring it up.  Then when he got up there, the clerk 
asked,"Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?"
Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."
Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, "Well, aren't you a police 
officer?"
And again Mike replied yes.
Then the clerk asked,"Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

Sent by Tyler

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local 
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps 
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should 
I do?" 
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I 
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to 
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the 
leg." 
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice 
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. 
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. 
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards 
Mrs. Jones. 
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. 
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling. 
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister 
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few 
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with 
the hatpin again. 
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him 
his last son?" 
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned 
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

   There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of
   control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a
   while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well...  what
   about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?"
   
   "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her
   hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.
   
   His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in
   unison.
   
   "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight
   like a man !' " he admitted.

A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. 
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of 
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, 
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not 
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and 
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the 
stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're 
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little 
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction. 
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of 
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds. 
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into 
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said 
"I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."

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