Today's jokes [2.29.08]

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A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a
park.

The witness: They were fucking your honor
The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:
The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear
                    Until tiny sounds came to my ear
                    There was this couple on the ground there
                    and his balls were dangling in the air
                    and you know his what was in her you know where
                    If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for
50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife,
but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ... 

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted 
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service 
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called 
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our 
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said 
the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their 
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still 
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company 
spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually 
use is 'fucking shovel'".

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give
me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some
more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ? 
     - Because it was dead. 

Why did the baby fall out of the tree ? 
     - Because it was stapled to the monkey. 

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