Today's jokes [2.28.08]

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A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very
little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is
suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his
personal life.

"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all
the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable
poison to give her, so I may end my misery."

The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get
life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her
coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too
much. She'll be gone in a month at best."

The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three
weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's
house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.
The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "What
the Hell happened ???"

The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day
and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim
and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her
husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew
she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky." 

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her
ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

How to write a paper



1.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty
    of freshly sharpened pencils.

2.  Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3.  Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
    concentrate.

4.  Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
    from class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
    both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.  If
    your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one
    of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5.  When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in
    a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6.  Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
    it.

7.  You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
    grade.  You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so
    you can concentrate.

8.  Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9.  Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's
    over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to your other favourite cd.

11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
    Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the
    university, the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place
    with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
    savorits special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
    truly worthwhile on TV.  NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than
    12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of
    the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's
    Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
    the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.  Ask who
    everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-
    coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
    with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to
   buy a chain saw ?
   He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
   He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later
   complaining that it only
   cut one tree and that took all day.
   The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the
   problem was.
   The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?
   

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