Today's jokes [2.26.08]

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Three guys are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head." 

What would you rather be, a light bulb or a bowling ball?

Depends on whether you'd rather be screwed of fingered.

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.  
We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in 
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from 
your home, so we moved.
        I won't be able to send you the address because the last 
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they 
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. 
I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of 
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last 
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four 
days.
        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle 
Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the 
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were 
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your 
father out.
        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found 
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup 
truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam  
to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned 
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much 
out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

   A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
   and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived
   at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage
   to his precious BMW.
   "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
   "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted
   the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you
   didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
   "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody
   left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
   

"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. 
"Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."

"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a 
cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."

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