Today's jokes [2.25.08]

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A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and 
knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and 
he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. 
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an 
equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- 
turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know 
how to get to Des Moines either."

Father Goose Story No. 5

There was a russian man named rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB.
one evening rudolph and his wife, helga,  were walking along, and it
begins to snow.  "my, my, look at the lovely snow," said helga.
"no, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied rudolph.
"no, no, no, this is snow," she said.
"look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."
rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said "is it raining or snowing?"
the gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?"
rudolph replied, "raining."
and the gaurd said "yes comrade,i was going to say raining, also!"

so rudolph and helga went walking off.  the gaurd could just barely hear
the KGB official say:
        
        "RUDOLPH, THE RED, KNOWS RAIN, DEAR"

                       The Technologically Challenged
     
   
Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
   Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
   is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
   was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
   be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
   that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
   (5-1/4") diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
   failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
   had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
   to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
   diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
   with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
   back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
   hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
   across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
   to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
   discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
   in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
   longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
   water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
   and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
   because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The
   tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
   responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
   He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
   printer."  The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
   face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
   her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
   plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
   the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
   pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
   mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
   brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
   plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
   happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
   she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire  SysOp:
   Caller: "Hello, is this  Tech Support?"
   Tech:   "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
   Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
            warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
   Tech:   "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
   Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
   Tech:   "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
            Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
            How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
            on it?"
   Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
            promotion.  It just has '4X' on it."
   At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
   couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
   using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
   snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
   for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
   put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
   squeezed it in.  When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
   even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
   meant to remove Disk 1 first.
  

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a
wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough,
she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat
on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he
makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining
her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so
he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out
by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he
feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's
screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general
panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says
he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so
the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and
instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the
wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with
vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which
the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the
bastard!!!

Should I have a baby after 35?

No, 35 children is enough.

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