Today's jokes [2.21.08]

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   Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
   should he see, but his
   old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
   looked so down and
   dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
   Chris, how ya
   doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
   looked sad before, at
   the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
   to his eye.
   "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
   sell a tractor these days
   to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
   soon, or else I'll lose that
   dealership for good."
   "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
   got it bad, I got it
   worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
   morning to milk
   Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
   sooner did I sit
   down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
   slappin' me with her tail.
   After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
   the rafters, and tied ol'
   Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
   get two squirts into the
   bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
   did that upset
   me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
   side of the milking stall,
   and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
   Bessy's about livid, and she
   doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
   hind leg. I wasn't about
   to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
   tied up Bessy's left leg
   to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
   his beer.
   Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
   "Well, did you finally
   get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
   If you can convince my
   wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
   ya....!"
   

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being
able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the 
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. 
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself 
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his 
ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several 
minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, 
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit 
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it 
thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age 
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche
and a porcupine? 

    - A porcupine has pricks on the outside! 

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?

"Not according to Dad."

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

    -She blew them both... 

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