Today's jokes [2.20.08]

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   A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple
   scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
   "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
   
   After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found
   my wife in bed with my best friend.
   
   "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple
   scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."
   
   As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So
   what did you do?"
   
   "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in
   the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her
   stuff and to get the hell out."
   
   "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best
   friend?"
   
   "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad
   dog!'"
   

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?



        Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
        timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
        ing agreement:

        Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
        and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",
        do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
        of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
        position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
        duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-
        tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
        entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
        area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
        illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-
        tween the parties.

        The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
        limited to, the following steps:

        1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
        elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
        any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-
        negotiable.  Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second
        part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
        part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the
        first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
        party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-
        mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
        perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
        foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that
        structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and
        in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
        blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
        is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
        (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
        (Lawyer) throughout.

        2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
        ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
        the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
        Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
        and federal statutes.

        3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
        of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
        installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
        This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
        reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
        same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
        occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
        negotiable.

        NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
        of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
        first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
        persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
        produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
        the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with
        maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth
        part, also known as "The Firm".

"First," said the playboy,
"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.
After a while the conversation started turning a little
rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and
they were arguing about how wide their snatches were.
(This happens all the time.) 
The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,
grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. 
All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and
hollering, throwing money. 
Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her
leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. 
People were going ballistic. 
Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar
and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the
jukebox starts playing. 

Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?

A: 20 class rings fell out.

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