Today's jokes [2.17.08]

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"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be?  What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures.  That's what I did!  I took 
measures and then went with the biggest."

Part I: 

How do you keep a blond(e) busy? 

Give him/her a bag of M&Ms and ask her to alphabetize them. 

Part II: 

Why does that work? 

'Does 3 come before E or between M and W?' 

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of 
the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven 
one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in 
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in 
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she 
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she 
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. 

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the 
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In 
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. 

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining 
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited 
for three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he 
replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental 
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land 
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 
recreational area."

   
   A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
   first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
   woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
   sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
   Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
   and is good in bed.
   About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
   man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
   "I'm here about your ad," he says.
   "You must be mistaken," she says.
   "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms.
   And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
   "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
   "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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