Today's jokes [2.15.08]

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?"
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled
with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."

                                  The Diet
     
   
BREAKFAST
        1/2 grapefruit
        1 slice whole wheat toast
        8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
        4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
        1 cup steamed zucchini
        1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
        rest of the package of Oreo cookies
        1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
        1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
        2 loaves garlic bread
        1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
        1 large pitcher of beer
        3 Milky Way candy bars
        1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
        1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
        2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
                they cancel each other out.
        3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
                if you both eat the same amount.
        4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
                These include any chocolate used for energy,
                brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
        5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
                causes the calories to leak out.
        6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
                calories don't count.
        7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
                they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
                of personal fuel.
  

What do you get when you cross an Iraqi and a dog?

An Iraqi.

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

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