Today's jokes [2.14.08]

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Mommy,mommy:can I play with grandma?

               Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last weeek!



                mommy,mommy:I hate daddyis guts.

                 shut up kid and keep eating.


sent by omar

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
…"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

   THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
   young man.
   
   Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
   how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
   hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
   
   Then the old man gestured at the bar.
   
   "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed
   that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
   own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man points out the window.
   
   "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as
   far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
   I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is
   paying attention.
   
   "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
   

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. 
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto 
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir.
I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.´" "So, did you jump?"
asked the father. 
"Well, a little, at first. 

Father Goose Story No. 6

Two guys were stranded on a desert island.
The only way they could get food was to kill
sea birds by throwing rocks at them.
By the time they were rescued,
 ...  They had left no tern unstoned.

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