Today's jokes [2.13.08]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead Beatles.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else 
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the 
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE 
DAYS before they figured it OUT. 

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs 
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light 
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to 
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! 
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT 
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! 

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER 
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP 
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. 

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did 
you ask me?

   An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing
   hand, and one
   missing eye goes into a bar.
   The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What
   happened to your
   leg?"
   "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull
   me aboard, a shark
   bit it off."
   "Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"
   "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the
   attackees chopped it off
   with a saber."
   "Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"
   "Seagull droppings," says the Captain.
   "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put
   your eye out."
   "Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."
   

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at 
low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions 
to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the 
anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." 
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.  

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are 
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, 
while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over 
your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife 
came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they 
asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a 
man'."

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   February '08 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29