Today's stories [12.20.08]

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   A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans.
   I went out and bought a convertible.
   
   Then she bleached her hair.
   I took a lot of multiple vitamin shots.
   
   Just a few months ago, she had a face lift and a "tummy tuck."
   I got an implant.
   
   And that's the way its been for the two of us:
   side by side -- growing young together.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and
his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admittedfor
emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armagedon," my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next, "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair severely burning his face,. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. 

Government as Usual:

The White House freed $250 million to promote a new sex
education program. "It teaches marital fidelity," says Argus
Hamilton. "It sure gets expensive when Bill Clinton and
Dick Morris start theorizing." 

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