Today's stories [12.13.08]

Vote for the story that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to story categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your story reading.

Allen was in a store that was playing Steve Miller's "Jet Liner".  
He said there was some kid next to him that had the lyrics
completely screwed up and was singing, "Big Old Rat Had A
Light On . . ."

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite 
mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. 
The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had 
brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded 
him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!" 

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him 
immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will 
die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will 
die three days later."

My wife used to have the habit of disbelieving something with 
the phrase "my ass!"  She would say "Four hundred dollars, 
my ass!" or "30 minutes late, my ass!"  One day a friend of 
mine and I were having a conversation, which she was listening 
to, and I said something like "...so it would be easy to 
penetrate.."  She chimed in... "Penetrate my ass!"  My friend 
and I laughed so long and hard we forgot what we were even 
talking about!  Needless to say, she doesn't say "my ass!" any 
more.

By voting you are helping select today's best story. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best stories to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Jokes Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   December '08 Stories Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31