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Today's jokes [12.31.08]

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How are men like UFOs?

You don't know where they come from, what their mission is,
or what time they're going to take off.

1. 




What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum???

Answer:  The position of the dirtbag!

2. 




A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started 
back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted 
to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound 
intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The 
first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this 
demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For 
whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in 
that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why 
did you die?" 

3. 




Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I
am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I
am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am
the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is
Bill Clinton?" 

4. 




Name:______________________________  SOCIAL SECURITY
No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________  HOME PHONE
No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________  OFFICE PHONE
No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female
                   Female - Female
                   Male - Male
                   All of the Above
                   None of the Above - Please Specify:
_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
                   ear: __________________
                   other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
         shoulder: _______________________
         waist: __________________________
         Gluteus Maximus: ________________
         other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS:  I WILL          I WILL NOT
1.  Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,
appliances,
    etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2.  Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining
    apparatus.
3.  Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:
____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to
performance rating and evaluation.

5. 



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