Today's jokes [12.26.08]
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A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The
doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was
an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit
suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a
minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin
it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a
minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to
ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a
minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So
then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is
going to be loud!"
What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around
the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb!
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