Today's jokes [12.23.08]

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What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next 
year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding 
parents left us alone in the living room. 
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed 
her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I 
said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back 
again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." 
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" 
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." 
The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." 
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

How is a man like a snow fall?

    -You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Q: Why do women wear tampoons when they skydive?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

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