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Today's jokes [12.20.08]

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What women want in a relationship:  A handsome, loving professional
man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get:  A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only
because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman:  A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson;  Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off
a flag pole.

What men get:  Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra
lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed:  A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss
and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage:  3 loving children who honor their
What they get:  3 helions who are a combination of their parents every
fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife:  "My sweet loving wife....I
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart
and soul, I am forever yours."

5th anniversary card:  "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card:  "Hey, how's it hangin'?  Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card:  "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"

16th anniversary card from wife to husband:  "You are hereby summoned
to divorce proceedings..."


The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her 
students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker 
to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure 
worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make 
it last an hour?"


This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped 
and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the 
hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a 
bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached 
over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop 
worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to 
six inches deeper."


                 Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
     For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.  Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.  Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers.  The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

     The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.  As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  lA new candle has a white
wick.  You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

     Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.

     Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the
solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great amount of
heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark is
also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
slowly darker and darker.  When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage.  We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it
may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized this
problem, and tried to solve it.  When on a river in a canoe travelling in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

     Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the

     In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.

Author Unknown


The doctor said to the housewife,
"I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The good news is you don't have PMS.
The bad news is - you're a bitch!"


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