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Today's jokes [12.18.08]

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Chinese Subtitles



From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiled
by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet in
the Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June
1996.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?



1. 




A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew." 

2. 




   A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
   "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
   that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
   look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
   The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
   and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
   pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
   The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
   it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
   all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
   a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
   octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
   you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
   bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
   look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
   comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
   and play that damn thing!
   The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
   to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!
   


3. 




   This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
   enjoying himself,
   when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
   head with a huge
   frying pan.
   Man: "What was that for?"
   Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
   Marylou written on
   it?"
   Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
   Marylou was
   the name of one of the horses I bet on."
   The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
   Three days later he is
   once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
   swatting.
   Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
   Wife: "Your horse called."
   


4. 




A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I`m in bed with my 12 year old son !!"

5. 



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