Today's jokes [12.15.08]

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A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes 
flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his 
head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to 
the front door and starts pounding on it. 

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to 
knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your 
business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended 
son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I 
just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out 
the window!"

   An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the
   doctor, "Doctor, we want
   to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's
   possible, but I'll give
   you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple
   comes back a few
   days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was
   afraid of this." The
   old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left
   hand. I tried it with my
   right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her
   right hand. She tried it with
   her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the
   lid off the jar."
   

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son 
riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the 
money for the bike? It must have cost $300." 

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." 

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." 

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, 
Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see 
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.
Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast 
the first stone."
From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and 
knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked in that direction and said: "You 
know mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

Two guys go hunting.  Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. 
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.  When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

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