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Today's jokes [12.12.08]

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One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the
   alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started
   with 'A'.
   
   Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She
   didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said
   bad things.
   
   She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
   
   "Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving
   his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
   
   "Butterfly."
   
   "Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure
   he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what
   Ernie would say.
   
   "Caterpillar."
   
   "Great job, Billy!"
   
   She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When
   she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought
   to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with
   'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
   
   Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING RATS
   WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
   


1. 




Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..



2. 




   After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
   blossomed, and they
   really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the
   opportunity to sneak into a
   supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight,
   and difficult to enter,
   but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I
   had known you were a
   virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd
   known you had more
   time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
   


3. 




A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly 
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's 
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi 
went to see him. 

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How 
come after all these years we don't see you at services 
anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, 
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to 
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. 
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about 
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

4. 




   The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of
   work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was
   looking to get married.
   
   As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug
   store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough
   birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored
   douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you
   don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?"
   
   She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."


5. 



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