Today's jokes [12.1.08]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what´s been going on 
since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one 
asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally 
asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She´s fantastic, she sucks 
like a real man!"

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins



As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and
frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains
everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's
right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left
out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?

She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy,
a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey--Nice bike!
   Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to
   class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this
   bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can
   have ANYTHING you want!'" "Good choice," says the first guy, "her
   clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and 
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a 
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the 
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I 
wish you could talk." 
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and 
down. 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it 
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his 
mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes." 
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking 
and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   December '08 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31