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Today's stories [11.15.08]

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This is not an urban legend, it happened to an RA in our New York office

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. 
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the
courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters
up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for
Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he 
can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or defecating. 
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still 
running to the toilet every 20 minutes to defecate. He doesn't want to 
cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So 
they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 
minute ride).

They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers 
to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide
to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but
doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.

After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas
stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the
table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came
with another little surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks (and feels). Instead of
running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms
of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga
position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before
his tan pants... (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the

He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,
he is walking like a cowboy.. On the way to the train station, they pass
the Gap.

"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last
week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.

They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the
right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the
first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After 
selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings 
both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other 
side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. 
He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just 
in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)

"Just the pants."

"What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (His eyes still trained on his date.)

Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the

They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats
in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself
and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom
as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He
rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning
himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.


As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as
pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the
rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself 
covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether.

Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and
explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident,
our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station.
He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station,
then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with
sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded
somewhere between New York City and Westchester.

He hasn't seen the girl since.


Sign in a Japanese hotel room: 

    Please to bathe inside the tub. 


Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road
and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early Monday morning

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are
listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a
cat-gigging trip. (Note to city slickers, cat-gigging, or cat-sticking,
is how, armed with a small pitchfork), you catch cats from the bayou bank.

Cats make a tasty supper.

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had
burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the
.22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to
the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again
began to operate and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White
river Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river,
the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and
striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions, but will
require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken
clavicle and was treated and released.

Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we
might now be dead, 'said Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for I0 years in this part of the world," said Deputy
Snyder, "but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would
admit how the accident happened."

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavina, Poole's wife, asked how many cats
the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from the truck.


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