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Today's jokes [11.9.08]

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This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and 
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first 
arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in 
bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded 
condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her 
new husband

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and 
asked "What they don't use those things where you come 
from?" 

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

1. 




A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting
drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told
me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so
much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have
kinky sex.
When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,
"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix
outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on
his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in
your purse. I'm done." 

2. 




In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the
regulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them "whip 'em
out".Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guy
walks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for
him.The gay  guy replies "i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffett
first"

3. 




An old sailor goes to a brothel,
where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in,
and you're not getting your money back."

4. 




    A Blonde
   A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
   decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
   She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and
   told him, "I've kidnapped you."
   She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
   morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
   next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
   Blonde."
   The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home
   to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and
   sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The
   Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
   "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"


5. 



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