Today's jokes [11.20.08]

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An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair 
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, 
"But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," 
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his 
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march 
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the 
medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients 
now." 
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," 
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing 
a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. 
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they 
had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his 
stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse 
than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.

Should you have any questions during the exam,
just raise your hand. This should cause enough
blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself. 

Q: Why do women wake up with a brain the size of a pea?
A: It swells up over night.

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, 
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't 
be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet 
here!" 

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet 
here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a 
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, 
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where 
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into 

the bar. 

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

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