Today's stories [10.22.08]

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Arrested In A Pumpkin Patch

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,
resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM
Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County
Courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At
least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview
from the County Courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he thought was appropriate for
his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his
alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the
Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of
his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure", said officer
Taylor. "I walked up to [Davidson] and he's . . . just working
away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Davidson.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize what
you're doing with that pumpkin?'

He got real surprised as you would expect and then looked me
straight in the face and said: "'A pumpkin? Damn.... is it
midnight already?'"

If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now 
be worth $49. If you had bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not 
the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans at a 
redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.

Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink 
heavily and recycle.

Dear Abby: 

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. 
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and 
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we 
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and 
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. 

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation. 

I headed straight out the front door............... 
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a 
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" 
was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the 
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom? 

Signed, 

Confused

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