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Today's jokes [10.5.08]

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   A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
   to cross the street,
   when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
   herringbone tweed
   trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
   retrieves a doggie biscuit
   which he starts to offer to Fido.
   A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
   happening and
   interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
   dog just pissed all
   down the leg of your pants?"
   "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
   blind man.
   "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
   going to teach him
   much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
   To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
   just trying to find his
   head so I can kick his ass!"
   


1. 




                           The College Food Chain
     
   
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.
  


2. 




What did God say after creating man? 

     "I can do better" 

3. 




What's green and has wheels?



A Frog

I lied about the wheels



4. 




This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over
by the cops.  The cop asked the man for his name and the
guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?"

"Nope.  It's a long story, Officer."

"I got time."

Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as
Earl Doo-Daa.  I was going to school to become a doctor, and
I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.  I got bored just
being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and 
became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.  After a little more time I 
fooled around with this girl and got VD.  So I was known as
Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.  When the medical board
found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known
as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD.  The dentistry board also found
out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl 
Doo-Dah with VD.  Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so
I'm now just Earl."

5. 



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