Today's jokes [10.29.08]

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This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get 
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, 
and says, "I'll be home in an hour." 

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him 
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and 
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no 
wife? 

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I 
won't be there for about an hour and a half." 

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I 
do?" he asks. 

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you 
have a housekeeper around?" 

"Yes" the man replied. 

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said 
the Doctor. 

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra 
with the housekeeper..."

   Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
   left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to
   visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
   
   He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
   ability to stand up and pee.
   
   "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging
   around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
   wanted that ability."
   
   Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
   love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should
   do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It
   would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the
   animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it
   be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
   please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who
   had to pee).
   
   Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that
   if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort
   of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam
   were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
   
   And so it was. And it was...well, good.
   
   "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And
   what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
   

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come 
home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. 

The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: " 
OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and 
touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like 
semen."

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, 
smells it, and says "It smells like semen." 

The blonde,  reaches out and touches it with her fingers 
and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, 
"It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

    If government is going to put health warning labels on
   beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about
   the matter! 
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
   that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
   idiot.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
   story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
   in.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
   you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
   party.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
   ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of
   alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
   really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
   tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker
   guy named "Big Al".

What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the 
inside?

                      A cockroach. 

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