Today's jokes [10.29.08]
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This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone,
and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I
do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you
have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra
with the housekeeper..."
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to
visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging
around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should
do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It
would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the
animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it
be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who
had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that
if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort
of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam
were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And
what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come
home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.
The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "
OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and
touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like
The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers,
smells it, and says "It smells like semen."
The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers
and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says,
"It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."
If government is going to put health warning labels on
beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker
guy named "Big Al".
What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the
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