Today's jokes [10.28.08]

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How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband 
liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the 
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that 
morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was 
not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the 
boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside 
the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, 
"Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area 
and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, 
"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and 
write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady 
told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't 
even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the 
equipment!"

These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says,
"My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says,
"You know what? Your wife IS better."

                      Letter from Daughter to Parents
     
   
Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull  fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital,  I am not pregnant,  I am  not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting
a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.

Yours-
        Your Loving Daughter
  

So one sperm says to the other "When do we get to the ovaries?"

The other replies "Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!" 

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