Today's jokes [10.27.08]

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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." 
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time
anything went wrong, they said I was responsible." 

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet,
having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get
to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything
dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.
"Womb!", Little Johnny says.
"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies
come from?" she asks.
"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're
screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!" 

   A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a
   particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in
   the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the
   woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye
   she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure,
   she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
   
   "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
   
   The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both
   saw movement around the woman's eyes.
   
   "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her
   husband and let him know."
   
   Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some
   movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic
   hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.
   The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a
   little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I
   suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he
   said.
   
   The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several
   moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.
   The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they
   saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
   
   "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
   

   In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
   a man's penis was
   larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
   that the reason the
   head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
   during sex.
   After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
   decided to do their own
   study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
   the reason was to
   give the woman more pleasure during sex.
   The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
   their own study.
   After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
   to keep a man's
   hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
   

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering 
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice 
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along 
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my 
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They 
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the 
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about 
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive 
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling 
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the 
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

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