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Today's jokes [10.21.08]

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The 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' franchise has a new Bucket
of Chicken out. It's called the 'Hillary Clinton Bucket.'
It contains two small breasts and two large thighs.

1. 




On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,
this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.
Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy
onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his
pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30
minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking
and quivering. 

     'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew? 
     'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man. 
     Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and
     shaking again.. 
     'Are you sure you're alright sir?' 
     'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make.
     I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring
     a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.' 
     'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?' 
     'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!' 

2. 




   One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
   road when they
   saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
   One of the men
   turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night
   with her." To their
   surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll
   take you up on
   that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
   companion 'good
   night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
   to bed. The following
   morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
   money."If you
   don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed,
   saying, "I'd like to see
   you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive
   a summons
   ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
   to his atorney and
   explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't
   possibly get a judgment
   against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
   case will be
   presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
   court as follows:-
   Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
   property, a garden spot
   surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
   rent to the Defendant
   for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
   Defendant took
   possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
   which it was rented, but
   upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
   amount. The rent was by
   no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
   Judgment be
   granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
   Defendant's lawyer was
   impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
   His defense was,
   therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
   present it.
   Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
   property,that he did rent
   such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
   the transaction.
   However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
   his stones,
   erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
   personally. We claim
   these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
   unpaid amount and that the
   plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
   rental of the said
   property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
   The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
   agrees that the
   Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
   improvements such as my
   opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
   existed, he would
   not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
   Defendant removed
   his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
   doing, he not only
   dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
   the cleaning up, but
   he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
   making it very easily
   accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be
   granted.
   SHE GOT IT!
   


3. 




Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

   You can wrap your own presents.
   You are always meeting new friends.

4. 




Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually 
tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.  
As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, 
the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut 
goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in 
forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the
hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their 
daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's 
studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing.  He
then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and
low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to 
get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes
school? A GP or a surgeon?"

                                                   "Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers,
                                                   I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

5. 



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