Today's jokes [10.2.08]

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Q: How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar. 

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite,
he was really having a difficult time. The kite was
swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as
stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and
says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." 

Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last night
you told me to go fly a kite!" 

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an
unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet
for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.
When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed
into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in
front of her.
She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried
desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her
naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently
visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber,
despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were
walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was
exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he
could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed
privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate
her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first
student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy
instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you,
but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts
out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know
who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill
Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in  danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.  As the crew became frantic,
the  captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led  the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were 
repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties.  The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"  And once again the battle was
on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties,although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the 
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.  The men became silent 
and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.  The 
Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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